no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
