hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
