where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
