My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
