I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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