I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Floor bacon is actually really good
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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