I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
