I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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