Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
In America we eat man semen.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
