Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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