The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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