I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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