I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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