Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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