Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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