she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
