Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
