it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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