my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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