my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
