My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
