Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
