I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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