Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
