You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
