Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
