and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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