Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
