I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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