Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
