Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
