Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
