Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
