I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
