So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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