I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
