my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
