i'm signing you up for texting rehab
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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