i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
