Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
