sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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