I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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