problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
