My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
