The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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