The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
