Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
