I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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