Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
