the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
