I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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