I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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