I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
