so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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