The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
