Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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