dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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