Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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