I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
