A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
