NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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