i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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