Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
