and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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