i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
