I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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