he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
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Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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